Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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