When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
