How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
