Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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