just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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