I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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