Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
