I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My dick has a subreddit
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
