it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
