So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
