He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
