She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
