you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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