I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
