The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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