I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
