sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
