He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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