the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
