whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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