I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
