I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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