you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
smell my finger.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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