So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
