rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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