I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
