and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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