all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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