I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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