My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.