he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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