I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
