I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
