haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
