dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
