***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
