so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
This is classic penis vs brain.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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