He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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