dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
did i just pee glitter
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