Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
