he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
