I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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