meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
