I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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