please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
