i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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