Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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