I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
