So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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