Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
