You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
