I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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