All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
