dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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