I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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