I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
