i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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