just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
