i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
