i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
